Never Been Marcused - Part 1 of 2 - Sunkissed & Sensational

Episode Synopsis: It’s the morning after the White Party, and time for our motley crew to return to the multi-million megaplexes they call home. Marcus is captivated by Blair, who is busy lying through her teeth to impress him and not be blackballed by Chuck, who is attempting to sabotage her with the help of Duchess Catherine, who is sleeping with Nate, whose attention is being begged by Vanessa, who has given up stalking Dan now he and Serena are making out like it’s season one all over again. Everyone is sleeping with everyone else, and it's dirty and beautiful. Let’s roll on with the show...

Now out of the Bassian Desert and free to frolic where she wishes, Blair sticks to a strict palette of colours – yellow, cream, orange – this episode, and looks citrusy and sweet all hour long.

While taking a bike ride with her British beau, she rocks a yellow and ivory ruffled blouse and wide leg, high-waisted deep orange shorts. Utterly adorable, and oh so appropriate.

See what I meant about the palette?

B tries to give herself some polish with a classy back to school party – I don’t understand it either, but at least her party planning outfit is lovely! This dress has a fab layering effect, with the bow front waistcoat rising from a neat orange skirt with pockets. A matching scarf ties back her hair, and that one blue bracelet adds cute colour contrast.

For all the racing around she does this episode – entertain Marcus, school Chuck, scold Serena – Blair certainly seems very relaxed, on the surface at least. I love her almost messy hairstyle, accessorised with a simple pearl band; the real star of the show, however, is that dress. Cream and black printed and topped with a bow, it is parfait (either that or B looks like a parfait in it...)

Returning victorious from her endeavours, the soon to be Lady B dons a pale blue babydoll and pink head wrap to spend the night with her BFF.

Now, onto Serena: Blake Lively can literally pull off anything, and this simple slip is not exception. It’s ivory, it clings, and it has the barest of black ornamentation on the shoulders. Uncomplicated and alluring, that’s our S.

Back in the Hamptons, she turned up the allure for the benefit of a certain Humphrey. Her blue and black vest top may be straightfoward enough, but if you allow your eyes to drift lower...Daisy Dukes for our very own Daisy Buchanan. Well played, Serena.

This look, however, says less Fitzgerald heroine, more Dora the Explorer. What is that thing on her top half? It looks like a surplus parachute to me, so I’m not even going to try to understand it. The really unfathomable thing, however, is why someone as fashion savvy as S would wear white bootcut jeans. White bootcut jeans hardly look good on anyone. White bootcut jeans should, in this recapper's humble opinion, be banned.

Oh dear God, they have creases.

White bootcut jeans with creases.

FIERCE.

Thank God, Serena’s fashion sense rises from the grave for Blair’s party. She dons this beautiful deep blue patterned maxi dress with deep V-neck to show off her *ahem* best assets, and adds a boho twist with long loose pearls and tousled hair with a few cute braids. She is even (though you can’t see them) wearing gladiator sandals. Speaking of those assets, though...

This lady’s milkshake brings Nate Archibald to the yard.

I’ve never liked Duchess Beaton, what with her cougar tendencies and over-styled hair, but she certainly knows how to mix colours. This summer dress would be completely boring in pale yellow and black, but the little pops of white and mint green sell it to me.

This dress = ought to be mine. The light chiffony fabric suffers a little from a heavy splash print, but is more than redeemed by those translucent sleeves and chic black accents. Add a simple black belt, and Catherine looks cool, scary, and rather attractive.

And if there weren’t enough women in Nate’s life already, here’s his mother, wearing shades similar to the Duchess!

At least now we know where Nate gets his addiction to blue from – that wraparound visor really makes Mrs Archibald’s eyes pop. Question, though: if you can get rubber gloves that look like silk, why does an Upper East Sider own such an icky pair of gardening gloves?

We get a brief appearance from the littlest cast member this episode, and Jenny hits it out of the park in a deep orange and navy tribal summer dress, her pink pendant sweetly clashing. It’s nice to remember that once upon a time, she looked like this, so let’s enjoy her summer glow and sincere smile while they last.

Never Been Marcused - Part 2 of 2 - Crash & Burn

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Chuck Bass can do no wrong in my eyes, but this episode is a minefield of sartorial slipups for him.

First: I can’t tell whether that pinstriped shirt is pink or lavender, but either way it is stunningly unimpressive. A pair of crumpled brown shorts are clearly an attempt to dress down the button down, but they mean we lose a waist-to-hip ratio and suddenly Ed seems like he's trying to hide his Spanx.

Ignore the smoulder, focus on the blunder.

That shirt is very clearly pink this time and works wonderfully with the Motherchucker’s skin tone, but a maroon suit? Who even wears maroon in a normal context, let alone as a suit? A plain jacket over a plain shirt and plain pants basically turns him into a block of colour, ruining the effect.

So he picks up the ball...and drops it again. If we’d seen Chuck in the undoubtedly delectable dark blue and orange pyjamas lurking beneath that robe, I would have declared him #winning and moved on. As it is, a billowy navy robe over billowy jammies makes him into a block once again, though I will admit that the colours are lovely together.

This needs no explanation. Just enjoy.

Chuck: This is for the benefit of the fangirls, isn't it?

Marcus: Don't fight it. Just sweat.

So shifty James is now shifty Lord Marcus, and can stop wearing jackets that look like he stole them from the ‘80s.

Marcus looks so clean cut here, with his beige linen blazer and light plaid shirt...but look down. For some reason, this is a man who rides bicycles in dark-wash Dan Humphrey jeans. Blair should have called for the check the moment she saw them (and besides, wouldn’t they chafe horribly?)

Pale blue shirt...deep blue pinstriped jacket...perfect red and blue pocket square. Why is he failing? Because it seems like if you date Blair Waldorf, you are condemned to a lifetime of blue. I know he has blue eyes, but for the love of poor guest star Patrick Heusinger, costume department, mix it up!

Speaking of a desperate need for mixing, here’s Dan in another nothing coloured shirt and pair of jeans. He never learns.

But this? This is unforgiveable. At a party hosted by Blair Waldorf, Dan turns up in a bizarre polka dotted shirt that probably belongs to Jenny as nightwear, his habitual waistcoat and those dark wash jeans he just got back from Marcus. If he stands still, he’ll turn into wallpaper. Why, Dan?

But when it comes to no-brainers...

Even while selling his assets, Nate doesn’t know how to show them off. Another blue polo shirt, another pair of jeans. The shirt does have a vaguely interesting grey lining, but that’s probably because Nate wouldn’t know which way it goes on otherwise.

They say life is easy for the beautiful, but Nate even outdoes Dan by throwing on a blue hoodie for Blair’s party...and that’s it. He doesn’t change his clothes, he doesn’t wash his man-bangs, and the only reason he isn’t sitting in the naughty corner right now is because his face is so damn pretty. Bad Nate! Bad!

Rufus ambles in, makes inappropriate googly eyes at Vanessa and then leaves again. For the umpteenth time, I have to ask: do the Humphrey men own any clothes that fit? They always seem to be wearing (plaid) shirts several sizes too large, and this blue and white (plaid) specimen is no exception. Rufus adds some leather jewellery to compete his hipster look, but other than that, he’s Dan with facial hair.

For obvious reasons, I saved the worst until last – if anyone was crashed and burned this episode, it was Vanessa.

I like the idea of that top, I really do. In practice, however, it’s an awful colour, it hangs straight down with no affiliation to bust or waist, and the sleeves are too big. The tribal skirt is vaguely acceptable, so I’ll skip it.

As for her jewellery...I must turn my face away. Vanessa totes a tacky two-tone heart necklace (gold pendant on silver chain), and then a key on a giant chain around her neck like it’s the One Ring and she’s a poorly dressed hobbit. Finally (though I couldn’t get a shot of these), Vanessa crowns this mess with those neon plastic gypsy hoop earrings she wore practically all of season one, and the result is a fashion disaster you could see from space.

So it seems there is the good, the bad, and then there's Vanessa. Some things never change...